" Holla Back NYC empowers New Yorkers to Holla Back at street harassers. Whether you're commuting, lunching, partying, dancing, walking, chilling, drinking, or sunning, you have the right to feel safe, confident, and sexy, without being the object of some turd's fantasy. So stop walkin' on and Holla Back: Send us pics of street harassers! "

Imagine the traffic this site would get if it was Cairo-based !

Labels: Farts

More .
More ..
More ...

"How much more ?
How much is enough ?!"

Labels: Tales Of The Butterfly

Remember .
Whatever it is , you can ALWAYS blame it on :
. The French
. The jews
. The regime
. Global warming

Labels: Farts

If it's not really that bigga deal ,
if we shouldn't really care ,
if it's allegedly of such trivial importance ,
then why on earth do i keep getting asked if i wanted a larger penis ?!
Why does it keep poping up whenever i load a page ?
What are all those ads doing in my inbox ?
and even better .... who told on me ?!?!?!
OH MY GOD ....
Have you been tricking me all that time ?
Have you just been saying so out of courtsey ?
Mother of all that's sweet and pure ..... does size really does matter ?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!

Labels: Farts

Labels: Farts

****** Lick #1 ******

All those tubes and wires sticking out of this little tiny helpless lump .
All those sophosticated machines making those funny noises and drawing those complicated graphs .
Is it breathing life into him ?
Is it sucking life out of him ?
I can't really tell ... it's a really thin line between the two .
As thin as the steady monotonous beep the machine is making .
Beep . Here is one .
Beep . Another one .
You train your ears to hear a sound ...

****** Lick #2 ******

"- Where were you ?
- Where was i ? .... Where were YOU ! .... If you had been there with me , i would have been there with you ! "
. Extract from "A year in the merde "

****** Lick #3 ******

If given the choice , i'd refuse to be a sun .
It's too much pressure .
Once it's time to wake up , it can't snooze .
Every man should be allowed at least one snooze . And in some cases four .
It doesn't make him any less of a man ... or woman for all that matter .

****** Lick #4 ******

For as long as a lifetime now , i've been searching for my high .
I'm starting to believe that i've probably passed it somewhere along the journey and it went unnoticed .
I'm looking forward to meeting it on my way down .

****** Lick #5 ******

Until now i still don't have a DVD player .
However i do have a VCR player .
I don't know why i don't have a DVD . I don't know why i have a VCR .
I do find VCRs extremely sexy tho .
Once you insert the edge of the tape and it swallows it in like a sex-starved nympho ... all that FF and REW goin' on ....
It's like they're making love .

****** Lick #6 ******

Convo with God :
- I hate to say i told you so .
- I hate to say i told you so .

****** Lick #7 ******

" The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. "
. Extract from "The catcher in the rye "

****** Lick #8 ******

In/out of the light/shade .
Try again .

****** Lick #9 ******

Free Palestine .
Or not . I don't really give a rat's ass .
Speaking of rats .... Jerry is a mean bastard .
He picks at Tom because he's the legitimate house resident .
Jerry is just sore cause he looks and acts like a doughnut .
Vote for Tom .
Tom for president .

****** Lick #10 ******

I'm officially color blind .
I have official documented papers to back me up .
I confuse colors like black and dark blue ... orange and yellow .
If sometimes i confuse things in bed please bare with me .
I'm sure there is a disease for that condition as well .

You're melting copper . You're melting tin .
You're melting nerve endings .
You're melting brain cells and striking them while they're hot .
I'm not sure what you're doin' ... but i know you're melting something .
I can feel it !

Monaco was sexy .
A bit too sexy tho ... intimidating in a way .
When you see over 10 Ferraris parked next to each other you start to wonder what the hell you've been doin' with your life ...
I was so busy with nephew most of the time and i wasn't there for a holiday so i didn't see much anyway .
I got to gamble tho .
Not only did i get to gamble . I won too !!!
Did you ever play Roulette ?
You know .. that thing that goes round and round and the ball bouncing and jumping on it like a mad cow till it settles on one number ?
That shit is addictive !
It was hot tho ... i never win ... except in those Sahm3edan contests ... i once won a quarter ... i still have it .
At some point i had won 600 euros .
But then i lost them all .
Then i won a 100 .
Then at the end of the night i felt guilty .... so i decided to waste them .
So i bought my niece and nephew a ridiculously expensive Ferrari Grand Prix official product shirt each .
I paid like 60 euros each . Why !
Seriously ... my glove has more material than the girl's shirt !
They're cute tho ... bloody red and all ...
I'm never gambling again tho ... i could have lost all my money if heavens were not merciful ... like the robbery wasn't enough of a blow to my economies !
Islam banned gambling for a reason ... and this weekend i figured it out .
It's curious tho that gambling is forbidden in Islam ... you know ... since adhering to that religion nowadays is the biggest risk you can ever take in your life !

You post this "young, well-built men aged 18 to 30 for slaughter" on the internet .
You meet up with a volunteer .
You have gay sex with the man .
You cut off the man's penis , fry it , then eat it with him .
You slit the man's throat , suspend him from a meat hook , freeze his flesh and store it in cans labeled "schnitzel" .
You later eat the flesh with red cabbage and wine sauce .
You somehow find it in you to plead "not guilty" infront of a court of justice cause the man had agreed to be eaten .
You can only be a german ...
This dude puts Hanibal Leckter to shame .. seriously ...
The " happy ending " is that he got a life sentence !

And i thought my last year's German neighbour was a freak for refusing to lend me his U2 records !

My week so far included :
. One open heart surgery
. One crying sister
. One crying mother
. One house robbery
. One broken IPod
. One eye infection
. Two papers' deadlines
. Two exams

I'm tired . I'm confused . I'm drained . I'm sleepy yet not gettin' any .
And it's not even over yet .
I'm flying to Monaco on Thursday . Let's see how that goes .

When you're juggling a thousand thoughts , one is bound to fall on your head and give you a severe concussion ..... and chronic insomnia !

I never claimed i was an artist .
I have , however, pleaded guilty to the crime of eccentricity and she has , allegedly , made her peace with it .
So why did she call me pretentious and was genuinly disgusted when i interrupted our stroll on La Seine to take shots of horse manure and stinking bum's feet ?!



I told her i thought they were pretty . Naturally , she begged to differ .
In quest for my sanity and credibility , i took the liberty to look up "beauty" .

Beauty : The quality that gives pleasure to the mind or senses and is associated with such properties as harmony of form or color, excellence of artistry, truthfulness, and originality.

Horse manure defenitly does not lack harmony of form or color . Yet still that won't be my argument .
I plead not guilty on basis of "originality" .
It was a beautiful sunny afternoon on the infamous Rive Gauche . Rich , animated and colorful .
Your sight is saturated with tourists from all walks of life . An amazing harmonious blend of races and ethnics .
Your ears are tickled with birds' tweets or ships' sirens and your nose is stimulated either by pollen or, in worst case scenario , by your lover's scent .
The uneven brick quay is blissfully massaging the sole of your feet .
Like the "cerise" on top of your dessert , everything has a delicious delicate dreamy French twist to it .
It's all like a scene out of a poster .... and that's when horse manure and stinking feet make their statement .
It's never about the small detail . It's more about the big picture .
In that specefic context , horse manure and stinking feet , in my humble opinion , stood out .

I don't know about you , but i believe that if beauty is dominant , ugliness , in a very twisted unorthodox fashion , is pretty .

I rest my case .

Some days i know and most days i don't .
The rest of the days i just pray .
Today my prayers go out for him , the lil' man in the lil' white shirt .

a. some nights you dream for two
b. some nights you dream for one
c. some nights you dream during the day
d. some nights you don't dream at all ...

If d = 0
find a formula for "dream" where a = b
prove wether the arithmetic sequence of a , b , c and d was +ve or -ve
find the definite integral of "dream"
support your answer with graphs illustrating the frequency of incidence of a , b , c and d and with mental pictures from Pandora's textbook .

You got a lifetime ... starting NOW .

Labels: Tales Of The Butterfly

The bottle said "Chicken Sauce"
It didn't say it smelt like chicken .
It didn't say it tasted like chicken .
It didn't say it had chicken bits floating in it .
It didn't say it was actually a chicken flavoured chicken sauce .
And this is just retarded ...
If i'm having actual chicken ... why would i add a chicken flavoured sauce to it ?!?!
If you're a regular you might have noticed i have a weakness for chickens .
I like chickens . They amuse me .
I like watching chickens doin' silly chickens' stuff .
I think they are genuinly underrated .
I believe they should be up there ... with the elephant , the giraffe , the pink knocked-up hippo and all those fancy ass animals .
Did you know that once upon a time there was a headless chicken .. yes .. Mike the headless chicken !
"Mike, Mike - where's your head? Even without it you're not dead!"
And did you know that Helmut Kohl's favorite hobby was to hypnotise chickens ?
Did you know that chickens can cause over 35 diseases ?
Let alone they are responsible for one of our time's most puzzling dilemmas : The egg or the chicken ?!
Tell me now what beats that !

If i ever become a millionaire i'll build a chicken-theme park .
I'll dress everyone as hens .
Naturally i'll be a rooster .

Wonderful creature the chicken .
I love chickens .... but this sauce still sucks like a nympho !

Labels: Farts

So i got robbed ...
They broke into my studio and cleaned me up of my cash
hold your breath ... 3300 Euros !
I know
I'm not supposed to keep that kind of dough at my place .
I dunno why i did . I guess my Egyptian genes have fucked me up once again !
We as Egyptians tend to keep our money where we can talk to it , smell it , touch it , and feel its holy presence . Somwhere "safe" . Somwhere where we can have immediate access to it in case of emergency , like when it's 3 am and we wanna order KFC .
It was a weird robbery tho .
According to the cops , they came in thru the window which was wide open - apparently a theft technique that is very wide spread in Paris , thank you for enlighting me now ! - .
There was no sign of vandalism in the place at all . No mess . No opened drawers . No misplaced items . Nothing !
If it wasn't for the open door - they left thru the door - , i wouldn't even have noticed anyone was ever in the room .
The only thing that went missing was the money , which was of course "hidden" . Duh .
And no . Not under the pillow ... nor the floor tiles ! .
But in the bank folder . Along with all the bank papers . Reverse phsycology .
I mean
ok
Label a porn video "love motel . volume iii" and noone would bother to go thru the hassle of checking it out .
Now label it " i split the atom and eat chicken skin " . You'd be busted in a heart beat !
Well it always worked for me .
As a horny all-boys-school-victim teenager, i never got caught with porn!
Except for once . I forgot to re-label a fellow pervert's video once .
A 16 years old with a "Mickey and Donald in the jungle" video was kinda fishy i guess ....
Anyway ... they did find my money .
It's like they knew where it was and went directly for it !
My Chopard watch was very visible on the table . Oddly enough they didn't take it !
I kinda owe them on this one . It was a gift from my mom . Let alone the only fancy item i own !
The French police was amazingly very nice . Very unefficient tho . lol .
They came in , visually scanned the room , verbally asked some questions and nodded along dutifully to the answers .
They asked me if i suspected the thief had touched anything .
I pointed out a watch , a different one .
They powdered its sorry ass looking for fingerprints . Naturally they didn't find any .
And now the watch doesn't work anymore . It stopped at 09:50 03.05.06 . Nice souvenir !
Needless to say i had to fill in a form , a "dossier" .
They have a thing for "dossier"'s those Frenchies .
You want to enroll in a course , you fill in a dossier .
You want to befriend someone , you fill in a dossier .
You want to take a dump , you fill in a dossier !
I filled in one anyway where i said all sort of shit that later on came to bite me in the ass when i sat down with the insurance dudes and dudettes . But that's a different story !
To wrap it up they gave me the official French party line .
"Nous sommes desoles , on peut rien faire , bonne chance "
They're sorry . There's nothing they can do . They wish me good luck .

It sums up the story of my life that sentence .
Someone is always sorry .
Someone is always wishing me good luck !

What i didn't get is why they were wishing me a "good luck" ..." good luck catching the thief yourself " ?!
I wasn't expecting much "on the crime level" anyway ...
A courtsey fake police badge or free donuts would have been nice tho ... but yeah ...
My last - and only - hope was insurance . They screwed me over as well . I'm not getting a penny !
They don't reimburse cash . Only items with purchase receipt .
There was no evidence of break-and-entry neither .. i could be making it all up for all they know !
My friends had adviced me to claim the loss of valuable objects .. like my Chopard for instance .. and then rightfully collect back the money that was actually stolen ... you know .. sort of a system's backdoor , have anal sex with the system !
I wouldn't do it tho .
Not because i'm a chicken ... God knows i've done much more daring things .
I only wouldn't . I felt it was immoral . And i don't regret it .
I also said all sort of dumb things in the police report .
I said i'm not sure if the window was closed or open . In insurance's vocabulary that's negligence .
I said that even tho i was 200% sure the door was properly locked this time cause i had double checked , my door lock was faulty and that it sometimes acts funny but that i had reported it to my concierge cause it was his responsability to replace it . In insurance's vocabulary that's " Go claim your 3300 Euros from the concierge " .
I also said i suspected noone . While i did !
Ya well ...
This is not the 1st insurance company to screw me up .
I'm not paying the bastards anymore .
I'm wasting that money on the lottery instead . I have better odds of collecting it back this way if you ask me !

So yeah ... that's basically it
I got "milked"
Down to the very last drop ....

... i took a deep breath and mumbled
" and what am i supposed to do now ? "
She shook her head .. " well you call 0800victims !!! "
I stared at her in disbelief for a second ...
then despite my despair ... i started laughing hysterically !
" I'm now 0800victims material " i thought to myself ..
and the thought made me crack up even more !
The poor portuguese .. she must have thought i have finally lost it completely ...

I need to break something ... your neck preferably
Now if you excuse me , the police will be here any second now
I need to work on my oh-i-m-so-devastated-my-life-is-over-
i-dunno-how-am-i-supposed-to-carry-on-why-me-God-why face
No idea how tho ... i have this weird look on my face
The look of someone who was dialling 0800numbnuts and got the wrong number !

On a mellower more positive note : a7a .

I happen to know an awful lotta ppl who *flush* things .
My brother-in-law once flushed his baby alligator , which couple of years later resurfaced downtown . You might have read it in the papers !
I mean , ok , we don't have any solid evidence , but an alligator in Cairo's sewage system . What are the odds !
I , on occasions , have flushed drugs and booze . But that was intentionally .
Also at a younger age , i once tried to flush our maid . Only she wouldn't go .
Recently my friend flushed her pink razor V3 Motorolla .
She was taking a dump , she dropped it in the toilet , and she flushed .
I believe i was number 2 on her speed dial . Number 1 is VoiceMail .
I'm expecting a call from the British sewage company any minute now .
Shall this happen , it would be , by far , the most exciting call i ever got in Paris .
I'm on my toes .
Keep them fingers crossed .