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Saturday, February 24, 2007
Play This Lento

Looking into the mirror
Watching your dead skin slowly shedding off, exposing my inert face
I seem to lose with it my solemnity, my dignity, my poise, my mien, my gravity
Forsaken and unwholesome, i become the waiting.....

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posted by Maxxed`ouT at 6:17 PM | Permalink | 9 comments links to this post
Sunday, February 18, 2007
لو شوقك قد شوقى .... نبقي احنا كده خالصين ... تيرارام

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posted by Maxxed`ouT at 1:02 AM | Permalink | 4 comments links to this post
Thursday, February 15, 2007
الحمد لله
و بعد رحلة معاناه
النهارده
وصلت بسلام
الى
قاع الحَلّه

ادعولى بأه مالزقش ...........
 
posted by Maxxed`ouT at 12:40 AM | Permalink | 18 comments links to this post
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
أجمل حاجه ... ان ماحدش فاهم حاجه
هابى فالنتين

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posted by Maxxed`ouT at 12:46 AM | Permalink | 4 comments links to this post
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Calling on Yeno
When i was growing up i used to have this imaginary friend, Yeno.
Yeno, a combination of Yes & No, was the perfect friend for a rather eccentric odd borderline autistic kid like myself.
I gave him this name cause he always had answers to my most peculiar questions.
He was a charming charming man with wits and intellect and a broad soothing inviting smile.
He was my favorite amongst all my imaginary friends.
I never called him anything other than "Yeno ya gamed!"
He always had this subtle way of putting things into prespective for a confused kid of my age.
And he also never ran out of interesting stories!
Every summer we used to go to our beach house in Alex and i always had a blast with him.
We'd fly kites, play ball, climb palms and tease women in bikinis.
He wouldn't only back me up in my misshiefs, to the utter distress of my poor parents who thought i had finally lost it completely, he was also my partner in crime, his hands even bloodier than mine!
Every day we had this habit of building a sand castle 1st thing in the morning.
We'd put so much effort into it to make it all big and fancy
At the end of the day by the sunset, the tides would always rise with the moon and wash it away.
It always broke my heart to see the waves retreat dragging with them my masterpiece, like a tear relentlessly dragging a mascara line on an otherwise perfect face.
I was always bitter seeing whatever is left of it sitting there like a molten burned out candle.
We'd wake up earlier the next day, at dawn .. reinforce our new castle with a mixture of sand and pebbles, make a network of tunnels, build fences.
I'd ask Yeno, sad and angry and frustrated,
"Say Yeno ya gamed, are we safe now?"
He'd shrug and wash his sweat off
"Well ... ya. Till the next moon comes!"
and he'd go back to slaving in the castle.
However all our efforts remained fruitless and our castles never lived to see the next dawn.
I built higher fences, deeper tunnels, a canalisation system around the castle to waft the water away ...
I built a big rectangular base to raise the castle higher, as if out of the reach of the evil hands of the tides.
Nothing worked.
The castle building turned into a source of stress and evoked into me an abusive feeling of helplessness and failure.
At every sunset, every day, the same frustration, the same deception, the same unavoidable fate.
I snapped at Yeno .. yelled and cursed
"Why... Why subject me every day to the same disapointment.
U're a merciless cruel man.
I hate your guts Yeno!"
He kindly gave me one of his magical lustrous smiles as if he'd been waiting impatiently for this moment.
The "everything is gonna be ok" million dollar smile.
"Cause that's what life is all about.
You shouldn't go thru life worrying where the next blow is gonna come from.
You shouldn't be too busy building fences and tunnels and forget to actually enjoy the castle while it lasts.
And when it does get washed away, you'd be smarter, more experienced.
You'd have learned to build stronger castles. more rigid, more resistant, mightier and sturdier.
Castles that would simply fight back harder, last longer.
Life is a song.
If a note fades out and dies on you, another one is bound to follow.
It's really useless spending a lifetime running away from one's fate.
Cause the next moon will ALWAYS come!"
and then he gave me the warmest hug and left me speechless mouth ajar.
and all i could think of was:
Yeno ya gaaaaamed!
And building castles was fun again....

When i grew up my dependace on him subsided and i actually got myself REAL friends.
So i gave Yeno cancer.
He'd get really really sick.
Then i'd get scared without him.
So i'd cure him and he'd be good again.
Then I'd give him cancer again.
Then i'd cure him again.
And so on...
I'd go visit him.
"Say Yeno ya gamed. Are ya safe now?!"
"Well yeah... till the next moon comes... you ungrateful son of a bitch!"
Wink.
Million dollar smile.
But, inevitably, Yeno just had to go.
I went to visit him on his death bed.
He was a hint of the man he used to be.
Life had been sucked out of him.
I held his hand, he knew what i couldn't dare utter.
He gave me his infamous smile.
"Don't worry, i'm saved now. At last"
And like that he was gone, leaving behind a rich legacy of wisdom and insight.
He was a friend like no other.
I cried my soul dry for him.

Right now, i'm in this place in my life where every thought that i resent, has come crashing here in my head, weary and spent.
Every idea is futile.
Every good memory is a reminder of what bad turn my life has taken.
Every deception is an ugly rip in the ragged fabric of my tomorrow, leaving it naked, exposed and vulnerable. And leaving me dreading its arrival.
Every doubt and fear i've ever had has come uninvited to my house, is sitting on my table, eating my food, drinking my water, wearing my clothes and sleeping in my bed.
I'm bruised emotionally, morally, physically and financially.
I LITERALLY have hideous scars on my face and forehead, as a result of some unfortunate accident.
But
I smile and make way, to the cancer that is my day.
I know in my heart i'll rise again.
I'll try again.
I'll live again.
I'll love again.
I'll challenge myself again.
I'll fight again.
I'll bruise again .. and unavoidably heal again.
I'll win again .. and unavoidably, lose again.
I know in my heart that the bad will not prevail, that faith in the good keeps its fire ablaze.
That not every smile comes with a sin, not every hand comes with a price tag.
I have unlimited faith in myself, in what i'm made of.
I have unlimited faith in Yeno, even more so now than back then.
I have unlimited faith in my family and my friends. In the house i come from.
I have unlimited faith in my religion.
I have unlimited faith in my education.

I know, beyond any doubt, that i'm gonna be OK.
Well....
till the next moon comes anyway.
Or till i'm saved, one way or another.
Whichever comes first ....

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posted by Maxxed`ouT at 11:16 PM | Permalink | 12 comments links to this post
Running On Faith
Faith
a substitute for You
in our delicate balance
a blasphemous prayer
Faith, be good to me
I falter to and fro
walk the length of its ball and chain
I wait the day
It'd part my soul
then the scale would finally tip
and i'd be beyond all walking
i'd fly with full wings
cured of You
free at last

Faith
underneath the layers of sun-baked dust and mud
sleeps in limbo
Your Perfect Skin

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posted by Maxxed`ouT at 11:12 PM | Permalink | 2 comments links to this post
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
The Ex-Bf Dictionary
I heard the following keywords in almost every relationship i've ever been in.
Always over msn or via sms.
Sometimes on the fone, the late night call.
Hardly ever face to face.
Guys, when you hear those words.... run for your life, for you've just been bamboozled!

- This is too much "pressure" .... i just need some "space"
- I'm very happy with you, but sthg "doesn't feel right"
- I don't wanna "mislead" you
- It's you that i want, but i just need "closure"
- Whenever i'm "excited" and feel like we're on the same "wavelength", you just go on and keep "disappointing" me
- Please don't "sideline" me
- Of course i'm dying to kiss you, i'm just "not comfortable" yet
- Of course i wanna hang out with you, i'm just more "into my career" right now
- I just "don't know what i want" now, it's a very hard "phase" in my life
- I feel we're going "too fast". I wanna "take my time"
- There's nothing going on. We're "just friends"
- I did not disappear on you. MSN got "disconnected"
- I love "YOU" ( "i love you" is ok. "YOU" in capitals is a warning sign)
- Mesh 3yza afsha7'ak ma3aya. It's really "not fair for you"

And finally

- Please don't "airquote" me

Every single relationship .. i promise!
Run for your life, i tell ya......

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posted by Maxxed`ouT at 4:42 PM | Permalink | 10 comments links to this post
Monday, February 05, 2007
The Same Mistakes....Yet AGAIN!
"We are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against their benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit them.
We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are"
-Anais Nin
So now i guess it's MY fault huh?
Isn't it pathetic how i still manage to twist facts in my head to come up with excuses for their outrageous behavior?
Isn't it sad how i always sustain a soft spot for those who hurt me the most?
Isn't it pitiful how i just can't find it in my heart to HATE THEIR STUPID GUTS?!
Damn .....
 
posted by Maxxed`ouT at 1:40 AM | Permalink | 7 comments links to this post
Sunday, February 04, 2007
مش قادر أقنع نفسى بالنزول من السرير
مافيش حيل ولا طاقه و لا نفس
مش فاكر آخر مره حسيت كده كان امتى
خبطتين فى الراس توجع و الأخبار الكئيبه نازله ترف
من يومين بس كنت حاسس انى أملك العالم بما فيه
يومين اتنين بس
الحمد لله ..........
 
posted by Maxxed`ouT at 2:04 AM | Permalink | 6 comments links to this post
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Terra Incognita
It's sad

leaving behind
the equanimity and placidity of home
the faith that's beyond the certainty of any doubts
the fears you know you can conquer
the friendly familiar skeletons
the promise

to go back
to a void, empty and desperate like the sterile womb
to a silence, dire and cruel like the hoots of the mute owl
to an absence, ever so present and palpable, a life of its own
to a longing, ever so abrasive and consuming

It breaks my heart

having
to go back
to the vacant beds
to the cheeks moist with whose tears
to hugging your wasted form ...

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posted by Maxxed`ouT at 12:30 AM | Permalink | 5 comments links to this post